wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
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The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
The days of good grammer has went
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.