An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
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It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
my name if I was in the mob
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them