I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
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WTF
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Gemma Correll
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.