Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
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Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name