I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
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when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini