I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
You Might Also Like
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
the composer
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
So true for me
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?