Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
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Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Oh we’ve met.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
“what that mouth do?” complain
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.