No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
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[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number