Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
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deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Art by Pastelkatto
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded