Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
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[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Poetry is my passion
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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