Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
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Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.