Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
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I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
u spoke cat all this time??????
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
#Caturday
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
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A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready