I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
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Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
The absolute effort that went into this omg
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
DOOO EEEET
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?