If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
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Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad