[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
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Finally, a door that understands me
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.