The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?