tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
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3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs