I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
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“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I’m already scared
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.