Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
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[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*