When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
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most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics