[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
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“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
#Caturday
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me