The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
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MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Why are bridges so flammable.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.