[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
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Current mood: Potato
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Lucky for them, they’re cute