If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
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BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.