I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
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this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention