DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
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Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
This January has 47 Mondays
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!