I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
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ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Me recordaron éste meme
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in