*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 馃グ
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
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One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don鈥檛 know.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I鈥檓 tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My hot friend: I鈥檝e been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he鈥檚 the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet 鉂わ笍馃枙鉂わ笍
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won鈥檛 be seeing that guy again!
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.