Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
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My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down