4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
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With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis