“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
#JohnTravolta
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.