Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
You Might Also Like
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Otters see a butterfly.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.