The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
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My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.