Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
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free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.