Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
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IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.