Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
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Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
When libraries troll their patrons.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”