“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
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ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?