If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
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Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
socratic questions
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.