My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
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“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener