why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
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Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Breaking news:
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)