Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
You Might Also Like
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
For those that worship cheese..
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.