The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
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Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.