I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
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If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.