I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
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Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Check your privilege
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.