MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
You Might Also Like
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
be careful
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW