Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
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*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”