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Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Why I divorced her.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.