Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
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Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
kitchen magnet
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
The Punning Dead.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence