Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
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the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Never forget.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.