No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
the three branches of government